So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize