Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
