Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
