saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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