My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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