Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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