youre lurking in front of me
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Found your dick twin last night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
