Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
