okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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