i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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