Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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