There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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