the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
honey bunches of taint.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
