i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
