i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
