plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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