Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
