Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
