If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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