soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
