When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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