Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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