he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I deserve this hangover.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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