Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
