I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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