they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
