nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
