I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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