just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I didn't notice because vodka
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.