Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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