He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
