he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
