The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
