I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
