No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize