literally had 100 drinks last night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
