I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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