he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
