hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
