im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
