Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
