I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize