I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
