He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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