I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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