Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
