sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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