Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
