My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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