a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
