Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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