if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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