I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
