Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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