Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
