brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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