if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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