I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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