Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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