I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
