Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
