I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I met the friendliest cop last night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
love makes seman taste better
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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