Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
