Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think we might need a safe word for this...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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