god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
