i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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