I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
