I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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