Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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