fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
